One thing you will learn as you grow up, is that most people bloom half formed, incomplete without a counterpart. Craving that cut-along-the-dotted-lines silhouette which deems them complete. Without this, they are five out of the ten segments of an orange, or a glass of wine half empty.
Half formed people are phantom; transparent and unsure of the space they occupy, drifting through life dull and hesitant. Perhaps they used to reside amongst the living, but you can never quite tell; now reduced to echoes and blank veils.
Half formed people are liquid. Much like a liquid they adapt to fit the space of the container they have been given. Whether water or milk they slosh over the sides of the desired space they have given themselves to work with. But they are restricted by their boundaries, because they do not know how to be, without sturdy walls and rigid structure. Rid them of walls, and you are left with a puddle.
Half formed people are mirrors. They reflect whatever you place in front of them, bouncing back a reflection of what is behind them or around them. They blend with borders and match the pre-made colour palettes. Obsessed with the present, and not reflecting anything different until they are pointed at something else. This is how they barricade themselves from love, open only to obsession and infatuation.
Their personality is a mirage, a reflection. Longing for someone to supplement and feed their lacking. Every shortcoming, every retreat, every moment alone is seen as oblivion in their eyes. And this is how to become half formed, when you do not see that really, these moments are invaluable.
Write down terrible ideas, look through old photos late at night, and go for walks with no destination. Spin words into stories, make origami swans out of napkins, flip coins to decide where you go out that night, do paintings sat in your underwear, burn banana bread and set off the fire alarm. Stand in front of the mirror naked, read articles no one else wants to read, let your hair dry naturally after a shower because you have nowhere to be.
These are all things you will do alone.
And between doing these things, go on boring dates, date men who ask if you’re a centrist with a watery smile, or those who insist on dropping you home purely so you can see their car. Meet women who smell like tequila and have purple lipstick. Run through strange countries in thunderstorms to meet strangers. Meet eccentrics, meet travellers and meet people who are so boring they make you fantasise about being alone in your room.
Because being alone is not lonely, when you are learning yourself the way you understand other people. The war on autonomy is over. You will come to cherish this time alone like you cherish conversations with close friends.
Because you, you are not half formed, but you can never be fully whole either.
– Emily Black